Baby Names (& meanings!) for Fertile Couples
Please remember us under all those napies
Let’s talk about names! Many (read 1,000’s of children) refer to me as their Godfather (though I prefer the neutral ‘deityperson’). As a deityperson to so many gosh darn children I have that tender and all important task of naming each one. We all know names determine a child’s future (which is why I named my former 4-year-old Blank Williams Crusty-Bits. Free will!); entonces I have built a compendium of sorts that will allow you to become the clairvoyant in your childrens’ lives!
Literary Figure Babies
Seyton - Macbeth’s chief servant, for babies without much character. Also rhymes with Satan.
Mr. Eugenides - Eliot’s character (and your baby) has a pocket full of currants, a future in sales!
Biddy - Her romantic prospects are limited to orphans and old men (if that’s cool with you)
Scientific Babies
Americium - Patriotic, speak a chunky atomic weight (243) into existence to encourage flabby growth (no preemie’s please!)
Chitin - a part of an exoskeleton, help your children form fibrous emotional walls so NO ONE can hurt them
Theory - You think you know your child, but can you ever know what’s under the false bottom of their dresser drawer?
Fracking - Not to be crude (haw haw) but an homage to the DIY process of babymaking
Crude Tools & Objects Babies
Hammerstone - Your baby is going to be a pro wrestler or sell a bio tech startup for millions!
Antler Shivvie - No one is f-king with your baby in the bone yard
Bruce/Ethan - Crude, pathetic, always point fingers when you biff the hacky. Good names for big babies
Raisin Variety Babies
Sultana - For round Persian babies
Muscat - For a rare and sweet baby (careful to avoid a Muscrat hex! No going back!)
Regular - If you want a no nonsense regular baby
Green - Is it a last name first? Is it a trash raisin baby? Yeah its Green over there by the pile of sawdust and raw human bile.
Welp, hope your fertility and ability to form lasting relationships doesn’t cut old Crusty bits out of the picture! Tag me on Flickr with your cute baby ideas!